Friday, August 26, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Jokes for the Older Crowd

THE OLDER CROWD
 
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------

The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------


Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

********************


When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------


One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.


Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.


First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------
Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart

When they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

*********************

(And this final one especially for me,)
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Saturday Music Featuring Harry Chapin

 Taxi and the Sequel



Cats in the Cradle 
Flowers Are Red


Men are just happier people

Men are just happier people




NICKNAMES
·        If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, meat head and butthead.

EATING OUT
·        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
·        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
·        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
·        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
·        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
·        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
·        A woman has the last word in any argument.
·        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
·        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
·        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
·        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
·        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
·        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
·        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
·        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
·        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
·        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
·        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
·        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Saturday Night Music Featuring Gene Pitney

Town Without Pity 

 

Half Heaven Half Heartache

 

24 Hours To Tulsa

The Man Who Shot LIBERTY VALANCE

 


Thursday, August 11, 2011

BREAKING NEWS!!!! (a joke...but it might happen)

To save the economy, in August 2011,
the federal government will start deporting
old people (instead of illegals)in order to
lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
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I started crying when
I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!
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Well....what can I say?
Someone sent it to me; & I'm not going alone!

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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

An Atheist in the Woods

ATHEIST  IN  THE  WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'

'What powerful rivers!'

'What beautiful animals!'

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

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He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.



At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'


Time stopped.

The bear froze.
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The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

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'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Monday, August 8, 2011

Another Use for Windex

I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually works or not . . .

But they say,

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,

You should sniff some Windex first. 

It'll keep you from streaking.


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Have a Great Day!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Computer Trouble???

Computer problem in  Florida / A True story  (I have my doubts)
Technical  Support, how may I help you?

FEMALE  CALLER:  
    'Last night my computer  started making a lot of hissing noises at me so  I shut it down. 
This morning when I  turned it on the computer started hissing and  cracking, then started smoking and a bad  smell, then  nothing'.

TECH  SUPPORT:  
    'I will have a technician  come over first thing this morning.
Leave  the computer just like it is, so they can find  the problem and fix it, or change
it out  with another computer.  Give me your  address; phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as he  can'.

    When the  technician got there, the lady showed him where  the computer was,
said what happened to it,  ... this is what the technician found wrong. 
Take a look at the pictures... YOU WON'T  BELIEVE YOUR EYES ..

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And you thought YOU had computer problems!!!



The technician told her:  ... 'It must have been after the mouse!'
...  The woman didn't think it was very funny at  all!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            


Computer Repair
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer  Service:  What is wrong with it?
Caller :
Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service
: Mouse?  ... Printers don't have a mouse!!!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? ... I will send a picture.
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Saturday, August 6, 2011