Saturday, April 30, 2011

Saturday Night Blog Fever Featuring Billy Joel

Just the Way You Are


My Life 


It's Still Rock And Roll To Me 

 

Uptown Girl 

My Life



My Life

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Blonde at the Library

The Ninja Librarian

The bane of a librarian's existence is the inappropiate use of cell phones in the library.  People think nothing of talking on the infernal instruments in the reference area, while they're on the public internets, or more infuriating yet they hand you their library card while continuing their conversation: Do they want to check out books?  Are they here to pick up an inter-library loan?  Do they (gasp) want to pay their overdue fines?  Do they want to request books?  Do they just want to annoy the library staff?

What's a librarian to do?  Who can we call?  Finally, the answer was found on YouTube.  We the beleagured staff at your local library can call the NINJA LIBRARIAN.  He or she she can do solve the cell phone problem by doing what the rest of the library staff can only daydream about doing to solve the cell phone problem.

NINJA LIBRARIAN




Fairy Tales, the FBI and Service Defined (Jokes)

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said,
'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer
and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.


motorcycle smiley Pictures, Images and Photosfishing Pictures, Images and Photoshunting Pictures, Images and Photossmiley Pictures, Images and Photosbeer Pictures, Images and PhotosScotch Glass Pictures, Images and Photosfart smiley Pictures, Images and Photos

THE END

PS:  He lived happily ever after.........



FBI finalists


    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said,  "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room... Shots were heard, one after another.
GUN COCKED Pictures, Images and Photos
    They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Broken black chair. Pictures, Images and Photos
    MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Service Defined

               I became confused when I heard these terms
with reference to the word 'service'. 
>
              Internal Revenue 'Service'
              U.S.Postal   'Service'
              Telephone 'Service'
               Cable  'Service' 
               Civil 'Service'
               Customer 'Service'
              State, City &  County  Public'Service'
               This is not what I  thought 'service'meant. But today, I overheard
two farmers talking, and one
of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.  
BAM!!!  It all came into focus. Now I understand
what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
consored Pictures, Images and Photos
        
         I hope you are as enlightened as I am.


This Is Incredible!!!

I received this in an email. It was so surprising I had to share it with you.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE....

Read all the Numbers...
Slowly and in Order!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1          
                   2
  
                   3
                           4
     5  
        6  
                   7

                   8
                      9  
10  
11  
       12
  
                   13
                   14
15  
                   16  
17  
                          18  
                   19  
             20
                   21
  
                   22  
       23  
24  
                   25  
26  

                                        27
  
                   
                                      28  
                 29
                  
                                 30   
Scroll down .....................

Arrow Pictures, Images and Photos

Arrow Pictures, Images and Photos

Arrow Pictures, Images and Photos
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABCs
Laughing Monkey Pictures, Images and Photos
It so easy to amuse old people.

Blonde Detectives

Blonde Detectives
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A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become
 detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed
the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is
your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
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The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll
catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
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The
 policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."
Slightly flustered
 by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second
blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
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The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair
and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
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The
 policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course
only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his
profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
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Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed
the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This
is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And
think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely
idiotic."

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The blonde looked
at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect
wears contact lenses."
Contact Lenses... Pictures, Images and Photos
The
 policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know
whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll
get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office,
checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming.
"Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such
an astute observation?"
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"That's
 easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he
only has one eye and one ear."


The Blonde at the Swim Meet

The Blonde at the Swim Meet
A brunette, a redhead and a
blonde are in a breast stroke race.
The starter's gun goes
off and the three girls dive into the pool.
The brunette and the
redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 
Twenty minutes later,
the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says,

"The gold medal goes to the brunette,
the silver medal goes
 to the redhead,
and the bronze medal
goes to the blonde". 
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser or anything,

 but I think the other girls were using their arms!"

The Blonde and the Sheriff

The Sheriff & the Blonde
The
 local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out
for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"  "Eleven,"
she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I
 meant, but she's right."   Then he said, "What two days of the week
start with the letter 'T'?"

The blonde replied, "Today and
tomorrow." 

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a
correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now,
listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.


 The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard
for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why
don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff.


 So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were
waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant.
"It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a
murder case!"

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Mad Cow Disease

The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) announced today that foot-and-mouth disease has now been identified in five states and is impacting the availability of milk and meat in some parts of the country. The disease was first identified two weeks ago on a dairy farm in central Wisconsin . It is a highly contagious and debilitating livestock disease.



Below is a picture of what cows look like that have been infected with this disease.  If you see any cow that looks like this, DO NOT approach the animal.  Run away as fast as possible!












Mad cow












Dancing Cow

Weight Loss Plan


Weight Loss Plan

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A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
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The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
   
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
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Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
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Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when
he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing
but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I
catch you, you are mine!!!"
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He lost 63 pounds that week.

The Lighter Side of Blogging

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