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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Taser For An Anniversary


This is one of my favorite posts I made on the Stream...proving that I have a warped sense of humor.


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 A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife
Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

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WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.


I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing
and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs.???

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AWESOME!!!?


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?! !??

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There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

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I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong???


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??


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What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master,"
reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button,?and??

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HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on
the carpet, over and over and over again.


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I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

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The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds
I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"??



Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself!


You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.


A three-second burst would be considered conservative??


SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking
for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!! Still in shock!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?


"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

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9 comments:

the yellow fringe said...

Don't ever ever do that.

Bookworm said...

YF,
I cringe everytime I read this...but it certainly sounds like something a guy would do, doesn't it??? LOL

Bella said...

oh gosh! too funny.

Bookworm said...

Bella,
I have a wicked sense of humor...:-D

Skinny said...

That was a good one.

Bookworm said...

Skinny,
This is one of my all time favorite posts. Glad you liked it.

Secret said...

You know, a woman would know better than to taser herself.... :/ lol

Bookworm said...

Secret,
You're probably right...I wouldn't have done it to myself. But I probably would have thought about it...It's a "Guy Thing"...and we're just big kids that like toys. LOL

WT Gator said...

That's *MY* Gator Taser photographed in your blog. It was given to me in my SpaceMiners gaming days because I kept on tasering players in IRC. Just wanted you to know. It's a pink, girly GatorTaser. :)

- Wendy MsGator :)