Friday, November 30, 2012

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows XP.

December 8
Create snow sculpture replica of Bethlehem at the birth of Christ.

December 9
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 10
Lay Faberge egg.

December 11
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.

December 12
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 13
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 14
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade 'holiday scents' in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 15
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 16
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 17
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.

December 18
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guests will be same height when sitting at their assigned seats.

December 19
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.

December 20
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.

December 21
Float votive candles in toilet.

December 22
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 23
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 24
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 25
Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and cross-reference by color and size.

December 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-you notes. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.

December 27
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 28
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.

December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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