OOPS!!!

I've never understood what folks see in "body art".  The colors fade over time...and let's not even talk about their appearance after a major weight gain or loss.  However, to each his own...live and let live...and all that.  However, before investing in tattoos make sure your tattoo artist can spell.

Before investing in a tattoo, make sure your tattoo artist can spell.


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Blonde Jokes

Memorial Weekend Blog Fever Featuring Staff Sgt Barry Sadler

 The A-Team

Trooper's Lament

 

Salute To The Nurses Of Vietnam

Ballad of the Green Berets

     

                                                                                                                   

Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road?

Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road?

           

            ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

           

            KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

           

            RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

           

            PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.

           

            BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did"
is.

           

            GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That
chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.

           

            DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? 
Did he cross it with a toad? 
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed,
 I've not been told!

           

            ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

           

            MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all
chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

           

            GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.

           

            CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.
          

           

            FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did
you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You
think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many
more chickens have to appear before you believe it?

           

            FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals
      your underlying sexual insecurity.

           

            BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition,
 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,
             file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

           
      

           

            EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?
           

           

            LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your
            research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads
are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black
          man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
           

       

           

            THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken
crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

           

            JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it
obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it:
the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if
 you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
            whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side. "That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as
plain and simple as that.

           

            COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!

Saturday Blog Fever Featuring Roy Orbison

Crying

Only The Lonely 

Dream Baby

 

Oh Pretty Woman

Stuttering Cat

STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining
Biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that Stutter."

A little girl raises her
Hand. Saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing
How precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
Incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I
Was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a
Running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
Yard!"

The teacher exclaimed,
"That must've been scary!"

The little girl said,
"It sure was!  My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss”

and before she could say the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to
Leave the room.

The Death of Customer Service

I read Scott's gripe on Facebook on how often McDonald's messes up his order.  It reminded me of two of my weirdest experiences in the McDonald's Drive Thru.  I know it's not the healthiest food and some would question whether or not it's really food.  However, it's one of the few places close to work where  can get a relatively fast meal...even though the quality is questionable.

This is my weirdest MickeyD's experience.I was sitting in the drive thru placing my order when a car drove in front of me.  She handed the bag to the cashier and said she had just came through the line and this was raw.  Like someone watching an accident unfold before them, I observed the cashier telling them to pull up to the next window and a manager would talk to them. She did so...and the manager came to the window and asked her what the problem was and she repeated that it was raw. The manager opened the sandwich and said it's cooked...and the person very slowly with a heavy accent stated I said it's wrong.  

When I arrived at the front window, they were still in shock that everyone had misunderstood her.  I told the workers that I would've sworn she said it was raw too.  Language barriers do make customer service difficult.

My worst experience...and the one time I really lost it and verbally tore into a MickeyD's employee was a few years back. I still remember it vividly.  I worked about 12 miles from home at the time.  I swung by the MickeyD's that was on my way home.  I ordered a diet coke.  I started out of the parking lot and realized that they had given me a regular coke by mistake.  I turned around and went back through the drive thru and explained to the person at the window what had just happened.

They had switched employees at the window with the woman who waited on me going to the front.  The clerk popped the lid off of the soda that I had just purchased and said that's not our ice.  I lost it...I whipped into a parking space...went to the counter...and demanded they get the twerp who had just called me a liar up there immediately.  I told him that I didn't like being called a liar...I wanted my money back...that a $1.49 wasn't going to break the franchise and hadn't he ever heard of customer service.  Everyone looked at me like I was crazy...and at that time and place...maybe I was. I'm not proud of my actions...although I don't like being called a liar. 

The next day I called and got the owner of that franchise.  I explained what had happened.  I said in effect what I heard was:

1. I had found an empty cup on the street.
2. Washed it.
3. Added my own ice and soda to it to rip their franchise off for the cost of a diet soda.

I told the owner that I had reacted in anger and I regretted that...but staff should not infer that someone is not telling the truth over such a paltry sum.  He asked what he could do to make it up to me.  I told him I didn't want anything with the exception that his employees should be more aware of what they're saying because they represent his establishment.

Insanity defined is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  If I go through a Drive-Thru, I always expect the unexpected now.

The Royal Wedding Revisited

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Was that a Purr???

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

If Osama Had a Headstone... (Politically Incorrect)

Saturday Blog Fever Music Featuring The Turtles

 She's My Girl

 

Eve Of Destruction\

It Ain't Me Babe

She'll Come Back

Happy Together

The Explanation of Life

 

 On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

 So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." 

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......  

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family..  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. 

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  

 I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

The Blonde and the Coke Machine

The
Blonde
and the Coke Machine

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going
to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man
coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents,
studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came
 a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then
she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it
in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button
for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.


 She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it
 for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello
Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who
had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.


"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly
replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

Saturday Blog Fever Featuring The Byrds

 Mr. Tambourine Man

 

So You Want To Be A Rock N' Roll Star

Mr. Spaceman

 

Turn! Turn! Turn!

Recreation of Actual Events

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And the Joke's on Us...and it's not funny

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Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
      

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(You’re gonna hate me for this.)

"Repaint!  Repaint!

And thin no more!"

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

"May The Best Day Of Your Past Be The Worst Day Of Your Future!"